The Truth Files

Stephen Colbert/Daily Show Love. House, Hugh Laurie, Black Adder, BritCom obsessiveness. Eddie Izzard quoting ad naseum. Self loathing. Other people loathing. Anything else I can loathe-fit that in there too. Tales of alcohol and dogs. The occassional night at the bar causing trouble. Mis-treating brain cells...Who needs them? No sex. No drugs-usually. Much rock'n'roll. Just trying to survive in 615. Y'know. The usual.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I bet you're in the sideshow

Yesterday, I wrote some pr0n. A little meta crack pr0n cranked (heh, heh) out while I was waiting for the season premier of Degrassi. I'd had some beers and candy and was feeling brave, so I posted it. That story has gotten more reviews than stories I worked on for weeks on end.
That doesn't bother me. I think it's great.
I just wanted to share.

Today, I went out with plans to buy a DVD recorder. The one I was going to buy was analog something something and visually unsatisfactory. So, I decided not to buy it. I'm waiting to figure out if I'll need a new TV before I start buying electronics. AndI have good credit. I could invest in quality, attractive, electronics.

Since the reason I sold my body to science and subjected myself to the MRI OF DOOOOOM!!! wasn't going to give me instant gratification I decided to buy shit I didn't realize I needed. That usually means TV shows on DVD. DUDE! I freakin' love Quantum Leap. That show rocked. The image of the future was laughable though. The history and time travel parts make me happy in a particularly geeky way that only makes sense to other, similarly geekily inclined types. But seriously, DUDES! QUANTUM LEAP WAS FREAKIN' CAPSLOCK!

If the finale of Doctor Who takes any longer to get to me I might just go to England, make a friend, get myself invited to that person's flat, meet their flatmate, run out for some Indian take away and watch their DVR recording of The Last of the Timelords. It'll take less time.
Not that I'm excited or anything.
Freakin' Ten and Freakin' Jack being held captive by the Freakin' Master and Freakin' Martha has to save the world! AHHHH I can't stand the waiting!
Did I mention in a recent post that John Simm is the Master? I am in FanGirl heaven. John Simm-David Tennant-John Barrowman. Good Lord, could it get any hotter? Oh, yes it could-cuz Freema Aryeman's there to kick ass and take names.
SWOON.

I also bought a laundry rack today. I know. Exciting shit, for realz. How do I cope with that kind of stimulation? AND I had a curry for dinner. How I managed to avoid needing a tranquilizer is beyond me.

The landowning bitch didn't cross my path today. Tomorrow, I will shove a rent check into her door and hope she cashes it in less than the 2 weeks it took her half-witted ass last month. If she's not going to bother cashing my rent check, why should I bother paying her on time?

I feel like wathing another episode of Quantum Leap. But maybe I should get some sleep. Maybe when I wake up, there will be Who.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

MY landlady treats me like I don't pay my rent

I hope my stupid cunt of a landlady just up and dies.
Which is a bad thing to say, because she'll probably get hit by a truck.
Then everyone will blame me.
But I don't have the energy to actually run her over.
I just hope her stupid ass wanders out into traffic and gets herself killed.
Or, even better, someone notices she's a senile old bat who shouldn't be allowed to make decisions of any sort.

That would make me happy.

I wouldn't admit it out loud.
I'd deny it.
I'd pretend to feel bad that the world had lost a stupid, crazy bitch.
But, deep down, OK--- not so deep, I'd be thrilled that she was gone.

No one that dumb should be allowed to live.
To top it off-she's rude, too.
Stupid and rude.
Wow! That's a prize right there!
A good CHRISTIAN WOMAN!
SHE'S TRIED AND TRIED TO SAVE MY SOUL!
Fuck that.

Fuck her.

I am so sick of having to put up with her passive aggressive bullshit I could punch someone in the throat.

I should know better than to answer her calls. But Mum raised me to be the 'Bigger Person' That's what I'm trying to do.
She is so unbelievably stupid. I think I should get points for managing to not write "For: A MOTHERFUCKIN MORON" on my rent checks.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

With all these freaks and musicians

What a fantastic weekend. I had so much fun I'm fairly sure some of it was illegal.

Friday, I took off for Chattanooga to visit my friends from Grad school (well, originally they're from Jersey, but, yeah...). They got married last fall and bought a house in Chattanooga last spring. I hadn't seen them in over a year. I probably wouldn't have gotten back in touch with them if Butch hadn't called me out of the blue last March.
I'm bad that way. And did't want them to have to try to hide their pity about how much my life sucked and the way I wasn't going anywhere or doing anything. But, they're not like that. And, luckily, I found that out.

The first night I was there, me and B. went to see Todd Snider and stayed out until way fuckin' late drinking huge quantities of beer and eating three times the RDA of friend pickles. Then we walked the mile home through this semi-creepy part of town that borders the city and their neighborhood. Christie and their friend took care of Coupland for the evening, went for ice cream and didn't drink a gallon of beer over the course of an evening.
My mum thinks it's a little odd I went out with my friend's husband on what sounds an awful lot to her ears like a date. I pointed out to her that I don't date anyone that is unattached, I'm not about to date someone that's married. Contrary to what we all learned from When Harry Met Sally...men and women can be friends. Mum really wants me to meet a nice anybody. As we shall see.
So...I managed to avoid a hangover. How, I have no idea.

Saturday, C took me on a tour of the city. First, we ran into her friend who had just finished up busking. He's a good guy. I'd eaten dinner at his house once. C decided that, even tho it was 100 degrees out, we shoud cross the bridge and see that. We were walking down a path when she looks up and spots this guy, who turns out to be the friend who was coming into town for the night. Which was weird, as we were nowhere near their place. SO-we called up the guy who had just finished playing and the 4 of us went for a pint. After that- We walked across the bridge, got sorbet (no ice cream for me) and cooled down in one of the several dozen water features near around the city.

That night, the Prodigals (Irish rock band-just my speed) were playing a free show downtown so we whipped up some mojitos and cruised down (Coupland in tow) to the concert. Our group of 4 grew to a group of 6, then 10, then, I have no idea. A lot. The show ended, we were out of mojitos. Some guy turned up with a bottle of gin. Soon that was gone, as was everyone else from the park. A couple of guys gathered a ten and a fiver and went on a BEERRUN. They came back with PBR and High Life. We watched a drunk woman fall off of a boat and into the river. A couple of women crashed a radio station party on a boat. We sang 80s pop songs, played Duck-Duck-Goose and ran Coupland up and down the hill. He loved the attention, that dog was belle of the ball. Later, I walked out onto the bow of a docked tour boat and claimed it in the name of those crazy people that dared me to walk out onto the boat. Good friends-tryin' to get me arrested. Like open container and public intoxication in a public park wasn't bad enough. Someone sang: I'm sailing away! as I bowed and curtsied to the appreciative crowd back on shore.

How we got home is a mystery. I think C was fairly sober. I had skipped the gin, but I was exhausted after so little sleep the night before. When I got back to the house, I was asleep in ten minutes and last up this morning.

Got home today right before the rain started. When I talked to Mum and told her all about this she asked me everytime I mentioned a new name "So, any sparks there?" or "Did you kindle a romance?" and like I said, intimated that it's somewhat inappropriate that I have a male friend and that his wife is okay with us hanging out. I told her that it's comments like that that usually keep me from telling her when I meet a nice person. Isn't it enough that I met some cool people? Do I have to want to shag one to make it really worthwhile? I don't get it.

Then again, I might've totally blown those comments ot of proportion because I thought she was focusing on the wrong parts of my humorous tales.

In other news, my landlady is insane and should be sent to the crazy old ladies home. Just hearing her voice on my voicemail makes my blood boil. G-d, I really, really don't like her. I think she's within a year of being a danger to herself. I've seen dementia set in. When it was my Grandma, it made me sad. When it's my landlady and she's instituting weird rules that remind me of this episode of Red Dwarf



Sad isn't the word that comes to mind.

I also have opinions on Doctor Who-Sound of Drums, but mostly they can be condensed down to:
"Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Television in their stomachs, now that's progress."
"You too, huh?"
Must get this episode some other way than OodTube. I need to watch it again.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What's Your Name? Whose Your Daddy?

Names removed to protect the absurd:

Letter 1:
Quantum Leap Question:
Sam was born in 1953. He originally leaped in 1999 (his time) 1989 (our time). That means that by the time the show ended it was '03/'04 his time.

My question is-do you think Sam would be able to leap into the present day?

Or could he only leap up until the point in time that he leaped out of?
Unless he died, it's safe to assume today would include 'his own lifetime' And not that far removed from the time when the series ended. Assuming he didn't die during a leap (and I'm fairly sure he couldn't) he would likely still be around and leaping in 2007.
But since the series started 10 years ahead of ours that means he's in his mid-60's and Al's ~83 years old.
Course, I could ignore that 10 yr difference. The show did. So-I probably would too. Although the logistics are bothersome. Shouldn't Al be in the old Admiral's home by now?


Letter 2 (Response):
I just had a mini-stroke reading the question. How am I sposed to get my head around all this? Goddamn! OK... I think, Sam could leap through 2003/ 2004-- bc as you said that would still technically be w/in his own lifetime... as for all the rest, child of G-d, I do not know, OK? Lord, lord.

That's probably the most amusing communication I've participated in awhile. My favorite part is the use of the phrase "Child of G-d." (Her spelling, BTW) I LOL'D

At work I keep getting told how awesome I am. By people who apparently have not noticed that all I do is sit around and read LJ all day.

What else should I do when I'm at work, other than read LJ?

If you logged onto AIM and immediately someone on yr f-list logged off, would you think that it was a coincidence or that that person was avoiding you? (Note, that person may or may not have you on their f-list)

Sunday is Father's Day. What should I get the Dad person? I was going to go visit him in a surprise type fashion. But Mum said (and I quote): "Oh. We have plans this weekend. We're going to a party....I guess...if you were around...you could go..."
So, that's ruled out.

The Zombie Invasion was awesome. Zombie Coupland isn't much different from regular Coupland. Just needs more brains, is all.

I have the first half of the first season of St. Elsewhere on DVD. Should I watch it all in 1 12 hour rush of hospital drama overoad or should I go out and get a life?

Mum has the carpal tunnel. The doctor wants her to contact a surgeon. She isn't excited about the idea.

Found out that even if I'm hired in a full time capacity at the hospital I'd have to wait 3 months for the insurance to kick in. Le sigh.

I want to buy a bike. And a DVR. And this cool turntable that has a USP port for uploading LPs to yr PC. And a Hybrid automobile. And a new pair of Converse All Stars. And another drink.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Stop my mind from wanderin'

An Open Letter to the Construction Crew Located Directly Over my Office,

I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE!
I THINK I HAVE PERMANANT HEARING LOSS.
WHAT THE BLEEDING FUCK ARE YOU DOING? IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TEARING DOWN THE BUILDING! I'M WORKING IN THIS BUILDING! NOW WOULD BE A BAD TIME TO TEAR IT DOWN. WHAT WITH HOW I'M IN IT!

WHAT?!

WHAT?!?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M NOT YELLING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING LOUD.

HOW CAN YOU CALL THIS YELLING?

WHAT?!

Other than that. I have nothing interesting to report.