Feels like I'm walkin' on broken glass

Coupland loves the Who he's singing along with 'Behind Blue Eyes' right now. He's out of tune. This does not detract from how cute that is.

Another non-stop funn (sic) day for me. I'm making dinner right now-cuz in a fit of pique I bought an eggplant so before it went off I had to make bread and simmer eggplant and tomatoes (anyone have a recipe involving eggplant but NOT tomatoes? just curious) for an hour and then when that's done I'll fold them into clever little calzones.

The job search continues.
I contemplate my resume.

SKILLS:
Type-70+ words per minute
Microsoft Office- Intermediate
Phone- several lines
Customer service- over 10 years experience
Worked steadily since age 15
Able to overcome obstacles
Master of Arts- degree confirmed Summer 2006

OTHER NOTABLE SKILLS:
Can cook
Know all the lyrics to over 75% of Billy Joel's career output-Similarly Paul Simon, Elvis Costello, Todd Snider and Black 47 (% possibly higher or lower-margin of error 10%)
Able to quote literary figures or works at appropriate times in a conversation
Can work without guidance
Vast and seemingly unending knowledge of depressing quotations from film and book
Ability to cry on cue
Willing to look like an ass if it gets a laugh
Oddly perceptive about details yet considered by those that have know her longest to be flaky
Usually pays bills on time
Unbelievably easy to talk to
Can curl tongue

WEAKNESSES:
Angry
A bit to sarcastic at times
Would rather walk away than fight (in general-exceptions exist)
Unlikely to express emotion vocally when sober
Damaged
Anti-social
Prone to addiction
Better with things than people
Trusts no one-Denies everything

Meanwhile-my aunt (Mum's sister) is in and out of CCU after heart surgery. Thrice intubated and as of this morning still on a respirator. Having heard nothing since then I am hoping that means she's in a room now. Daddy made a point to remind me that things may not be what I want from life but I better goddamn well keep perspective. (He didn't say those exact words. But I know what he meant.)

One of my favorite things about fandom is the fanmix. The collection of songs about a show or 'ship or what-have-you. So today I pretended I had a fandom and I was a member of it-and I made a fanmix. A playlist in moder terminology. Or-in total Gen X speak I made myself a mix tape.

Here it is with some explanations and lyric quotes-copies available if it floats yr boat.

I Can't Wake Up to Save My Life-Richard Thompson

In my nightmare you forgive me
The cruellest gift you could ever give me
You say that you understand me now
But your eyes say, brother, I'll get you somehow

An all to familiar nightmare-you can't wake up since you're not likely to be lucky enough to be asleep.


Don't Give Up-Peter Gabriel
Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

You can move and change everything about yourself but you're just one of many fighting for one available space.

Fakin' It-Simon and Garfunkel

Im such a dubious soul,
And a walk in the garden
Wears me down.

That common feeling that even the littlest effort requires far too much effort-especially what with all the effort it takes to be the person I have worked so hard pretending I am.


Bonnie Brae-The Twilight Singers

There was a rapture
so I can never see you anymore
The nightmare is believeable
walking into sweet oblivion

I don't even really know what this song is about. But when I hear it I get the distinct and discomforting feeling I've lived the entire thing somehow. A lot like how I'm going through life these days.


We Can't Make it Here-James McMurtry and the Heartless Bastards

Will work for food
Will die for oil
Will kill for power and to us the spoils
The billionaires get to pay less tax
The working poor get to fall through the cracks

I realize that by virtue of my education and all that shit I should be excluded from being a subject of this song-but I'm not. For whatever reason.


The Devil You Know-Todd Snider
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You can fuck gettin' any kind of job you want
Unless you really wanna work in a fast food restaurant

That line and the fact that the song takes place practically on my front porch. I love my ghetto-but I'm not under any illusions. I'm an interloper on these people and I bet despite my poverty most of the really poor suspect I chose it rather than was born into it like they were.


Unbreakable-Todd Snider

She kinda likes to watch him walk away

It's just so much easier to pretend to be prepared for the inevitable let-down than to admit any kind of vulnerability.


Miami 2017 (Seen the Lights go Out on Broadway)-Billy Joel

I've seen the lights go out on Broadway-
I watched the mighty skyline fall.

Disillisioned. And the obvious.

One Safe Place-Marc Cohn

How many roads you’ve traveled
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Nothing I can say can explain the song choice bettert than the song itself.

Rockin' in the Free World-Neil Young
Keep on rockin' in the free world

When I was in high school I worked at a library. I'd get out of work every Friday and get into my white '81 Toyota Corolla Hatchback and tune into WMMS 100.7-this song was the Friday afternoon getting out of work song. This is as close to a motto as I'm willing to pretend I have. It's a song about faith, isn't it?

It's Only Fear-Alexi Murdoch
Don’t hold your head too high,
Don’t be afraid to cry,
Because you know my dear, it’s only fear, it’s only fear

Alexi Murdoch sounds shockingly and painfully like Nick Drake. His singing is piercing, the pain comforts. He's young still-only one EP and a full length album under his belt.

Walkin' on Broken Glass-Annie Lennox
The sun's still shining in the big blue sky
But it don't mean nothing to me
Oh, let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I'm living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I've got so little left to lose
That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass

Another instance of the song saying it better than I could.


Not an Addict-K's Choice
The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

Here we go-the addiction portion of our evening ladies and gentleman. There's something to be said for battling your demons in a room of your own.

Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.

This only happens if you're doing it right. If you're doing something wrong you're likely to wind up the next morning with a useless hand or a new scar in the making. But then, that sort of thing only seems like a good idea at this stage of the evening.

Behind Blue Eyes-The Who
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be

You didn't think annihiliation is so easy-did you?


Heaven Adores You-Earlimart

You knocked on the door
Tell me what it's all for
Who am I supposed to be?
Anyone but me

The time of the evening when we lay on the floor and let the music take over all emotions. It is much easier than admitting feelings.

Lonely Boy-Black Lab

you say
you like to sleep alone
and i say
i miss the way you breathe
you say
i get away with murder
but you know i've paid for hurting
someone i cant leave behind

Now would be a really opportune time to mouth these lyrics-preferably through a haze of whisky.

This Woman's Work-Kate Bush
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Yet, despite all the posturing, there's all these things-these feelings and thoughts that refuse to be drowned. There's still tomorrow to deal with.