Suck all the marrow out of life

Wherein our heroine watches a film.

The last day at this rotten excuse for an assignment was completely painless. Except for the physical pain. My right hip hurts. So I put my weight on my left leg, but that's my bum knee. A knee that is only bum on special, verily inconvenient occasions. After spending the day walking up and down the hall and climbing a step-ladder more than any of those wacky step class people I was hobbling down the hall like Quasi-freakin-modo.
It was way sexy.
So glad I don't have to go back.
Not happy about the 'discussion' I had with the woman in charge of the temp agency. My God, does that place RECRUIT cunts? It's the only possible explanation. Other than the highly unlikely one wherein I'm the one with the problem.
I don't want to go into it. Other than she said "Maybe we should just try to place you in a library assignment if one comes up."
"So, am I to understand that what yr saying is, basically-I shouldn't hold my breath regarding anymore assignments?"
"Will you let me talk?"
Thinking-"Will you stop acting like yr shit doesn't stink?"
Out loud I said, "Of course, I just want to know my position within the company."
"If a position comes up that caters to your specific skills then we will contact you."

Remind me again-why do I bother communicating with people? I don't come off as particularly wonderful in their eyes. I hate them. They infuriate me and never cease to amaze with their adoration and flaunting of limited and unimpressive power. The more I try to learn to adapt the less time I want to spend around humanity.

What do I care. At some point I am bound to find employment. I'm on the list for a CA-I position at the library. No idea how long that list is-but I'm on the short list. There's been a hiring freeze since I applied-so no one else has the job. I might not get it-but I haven't not got it yet.

+++++++-----HERE THERE BE CONTINUITY SHIFT-----+++++++++


Tonight's DVD amusement was Dead Poet's Society.
I am re-watching movies that made an impression on me when I was a teenager.
Soon, I will revisit Reality Bites.
'Cuz I guess I was a HUGE Ethan Hawke fan in my youth.
Who knew? But-I think, in the early 90's everyone just kinda was.

This re-viewing was to remind me of how much I am capable of loving Robin Williams. (RV --the promos anyway-I could never watch the movie, made me think maybe he was never funny and that he's always been talentless and annoying.) Also there's that Robert Sean Leonard thing.
OH the so young-ness of it all.

DPS came out in 1989. I was in grade 8. My AP history teacher, Miss Lackey (yes, Miss, not Ms if my memory serves) took us out to the football field behind the school and we raced at each other re-enacting a Civil War battle taking turns screaming rebel yells. We stood on our desks and made grand proclamations. She staged debates in the classroom about art and war and other such importat things. I'd spend my lunches away from the rabble (see-in case you thought the misanthrope thing was new-I already had a well developed hatred of people when I was pubescent.) A few of us would gather and not have to deal with the nightmare of forced interaction and mingling that was middle school lunch. After my first nervous breakdown, Grade 9, she tutored me. Taught me not just history, but poetry and faith in myself. It was all very Dead Poet-esque. I should look her up.

The movie must have touched me. I have often thought that I've wanted to be a teacher for years longer than I've realized. I have thought about teaching-despite hating school and the conformity and emotional stifling and being told to not bother returning for the last of my senior year. It was Lois, my French teacher, that got me through the limited amount of time I actually attended high school. She is a wonderful insightful woman. She took an interest in me more than one would expect from a language teacher. During the preview to nervous breakdown 1 and the aftermath of nervous breakdown 2 and meltdown and eventual near expulsion she stood up for me not because I asked (further backstory gentle reader, I didn't ask for help at some distant point in my life either) but because she wanted to do so.
I've had a soft spot for teachers for some time.

What I remember about the movie is the "Oh Captain, My Captain"--"our fearful trip is done, the ship has weathered every rack the prize we sought is won
The port is near, the bells I hear
While follow eyes the steady keel the vessel grim and daring
But o heart! heart! heart!
O bleeding drops of red
For on the deck my captain lies
Fallen cold and dead"
(I remembered all of that except that line about following eyes. It's filed away near the first couple of verses of "The Wreck of the Hesperus" If you ask me sometime I'm sure I'll freeze up and not remember any of what is in fact a clever parlor trick.)
And the meetings in the cave. I remember that.
But mostly my mind pulled up images of Neil standing bare-chested at his window. Cold air blowing in-his crown of twigs on his head. He walks into his father's den and kills himself.
I remember that. And sobbing-feeling all very Dead Poetish was I. Figuring, because I was well on my way to the depths of despair myself, I'd finish myself off before I was out of high school.
On another thought I didn't even give a moment to until I re-watched it-because it was just so damn obvious even at 13 I didn't think about it--but Neil was gay wasn't he? That was completely clear to everyone wasn't it? I'm thinking if it had been just that he wanted to be an actor he may have been able to put up with a semester at military school-but that wasn't the problem, really. He was afraid of the very center of himself and how his father-who couldn't bear to see his son ACTING it was such a disgrace-would react.
Correct me if I'm wrong. I've been known to see teh ghey where it isn't and miss it where it is obvious.

Further movie thoughts...A generation of English teachers are trying to be to one student what John Keating was to that entire group of boys. "Carpe diem" is a lovely phrase and sentiment but it should be used only when necessary and not as a rallying cry. It didn't work that well the first time.
The movie holds up much better than most films do. Even a great movie is likely to go through a stage when it seem oddly anachronistic. DPS must have been out of my frame of reference during that time.
At times it's corny. Just because youth is prone to corniness. The young are SO over-wrought.
Robin Williams was delightful and restrained. He should do that more often.
Ethan Hawke was adorable and so baby faced it was almost terrifying. If he looked like that 17 years ago, and he's 6 years older than I am--my God I was young.
Robert Sean Leonard must sleep in a stasis machine. He isn't bothering to age. What a wonderful role-such a great character.

If you're wondering if I cried this time even with the knowledge of the climax-of course I did. What other reaction could a feeling person have? If you don't cry when Todd is running across the snow covered field, over whelmed with grief and anger at the senseless death of his friend--then you are seriously lacking a soul. When the boys stand up and proclaim their allegiance to their teacher and lost friend there is no other reaction but whatever pure emotion you are capable of feeling.
Stand on your coffee table. Wave your fists in the air. Don't give up-even if you have to give in.