I believe in karma, I believe in soul, I believe in heaven, I believe in rock'n'roll

In which I further contemplate belief--something that will probably happen a lot this semester.
Class tonight-Belief-E's class. Always enjoy these classes, as despite all of the organization and knowledge at any given time any of her classes could erupt into a ruleless, disorganized festival of free form association. This is why I like her classes, I would wager that it turns off more people than the number that find it fascinating.
The class is TOO big and about 1/2 need to drop before it is the right size. I hate big classes. Too many people means less time for me to discuss my opinions and to argue about the validity of the opinions of others. Nothing ruins a really cool class like people. We did the intro thing-then there was a smudging ritual. The class ended with us filling out the obligatory basic information page-with an extra question about "Deep backgroud" info about our beliefs or something in that area. I wrote "I was raised pagan by a lapsed Episcopalian and an agnostic, it is damn confusing to be me." I was being annoying---or maybe the word is "cute" but I meant it-I was and it is. Esp since I am a lapsed pagan-I bring shame to my family, I not only own, but unironically wear a cross--well, I did, until I left it in Ohio. It's hard to wear what you don't have.
On the way home I started thinking about what I believe. Essentially, I believe in everything. I may not hold a personal belief, but I do feel that believing in something is every person's right and everyone has the right to believe what the do. This does not mean I have to understand or even kind of agree, but I am accepting of this as part of life. My parents raised me with no belief system-my sis and I were raised to distrust and even dislike organized religion-faith was only my middle name, it wasn't something with much inherent meaning. Not as I remember being told when I was a kid. But-I don't think that's wrong. Being given the choice, I chose my own truth instead of accepting the truth I was fed as a child. This is interesting from an intellectual standpoint-not because it is revolutionary-the Baby Boom generation and their GenX children forcibly removed themselves from the faith of their fathers quite regularly. X'ers-"the first generation raised without God" had it easy-being raised without fear of retribution from an invisible, angry force in the sky. This lead to a huge quantity of pot smoking, ill advised sexual encounters and dabbling in Wicca. Of all these, really only practicing the Wiccan religion at any point in one's life is something to feel shame about. I mean, really? You believed that? I bet you claimed you were bi-sexual at the time too, didn't ya? Pretty embarassing now, isn't it? (AUTHOR'S NOTE--yes, I had some bad Wiccan experiences, what gave it away? Oddly enough, I also knew some really cool Wiccans, but unfortunately the one REALLY bad one I experience negates the decent-such.is.life.)
And I was thinking about why I give power to objects-why, when in a state when I can't easily identify my feelings I light a candle and pray for an understanding of the situation. I thought about naming my cars, giving power to items, the feeling that I somehow deserve the bad things that happen far more than the good there is a lot to think about when it comes to why these feelings exist. Course, I can say something I believe but there is the emotional aspect that I-or anyone else I'd say-can't say. For example, I can say that I miss my dog but the extent of these feelings are not explainable. My parents tell me they love me-but those are words-I think they are true and have no reason to feel otherwise-but then again, I have no frame of reference upon which to base any thoughts that would involve their not loving me. Now, I don't know if I am able to accept this-it requires a philosophical leap that is, honestly, beyond my mental grasp of reality. But, perhaps it is the acceptance that since I cannot know one thing, then I should be able to further realize that I have not the knowledge of one that knows anything.
Luckily I'm not talking about "fact" I'm talking about belief, which, in my discussion tonight is a lot like "truthiness." It's not that it's true---it's that it feels true. This is a culture of feelings with very little interest in fact. It is a culture of blind religiousity, in essence. An evangelical pseudo-Calvinistic capitalocracy.It's almost worse than being an Anglinostipagan.
Further, the smudging put the germ of idea into my head that perhaps I should conduct such a ceremony in my apartment. The practice is used to cleanse negative energy or release spirits and to bring in positive energy in its place. I feel, that, as much as I hate the fact of what the act would signify it is highly emotionally purifying to conduct a ceremony that in some way releases the departed spirit from the physical realm. There are some things that cannot be avoided and I am a firm believer in ritual as an emotional salve for the human psyche. (I am also probably a little too educated to say that in the most honest way possible---in a way, this saddens me.) I now put forth this-I need to conduct a smudging/cleansing ritual upon my apartment so that I may release Baxter's energy/spirit to the next realm in order to do this I need to remove those things that contain specific reference to his earthly existence-I do not know if I can do this alone-tho I will if need be. I see it as an important part of this that I not do it alone, as by letting Baxter go while alone I would be leaving myself completely alone--setting my position in the universe as "a rock" dare I say, "an island"--but if I free him in the presence of a spirit that is in a physical form I believe that it will be easier for his spirit to be released without concern and for me to accept the release. This seems in conflict with my beliefs (clearly things I don't know whether I believe or not even at the moment I believe them) but it is not in conflict with my feelings at this moment.
RIGHT-so that got a bit off topic I suppose. That's a bit like me isn't it.