sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears

Today I begged out of school-as I was sick. And I am not that well, to be honest. I am preparing to do something I haven't done in years---I'm going on a running away road trip. I think the last one I took was down here to Nashville to see BR at the Exit/In back in Oct of '03. (I took road trips since then, but I don't remmeber running away exactly) The reasons were WAY different then. Tho, I would say that maye that wasn't running away so much as running in the general direction of. At any rate-I find that even as I grow old and change and become a somewhat different person (not much-but changing is inevitable to some extent-I don't feel much different. I still feel frail and small) but at any rate-I still find myself coping in the exact same manner. Isn't that just bloody static of me.
So here I am, much like I was at 23 (22? Fuck if I know?) and every year since dealing with a troubling situation by going to see a semi-well known hillbilly band. That-my pets-is sad. But it's my life. And I am comforted-it's like a blanky with more alcohol.
Right-so I didn't go to school today. I couldn't have dealt really-I couldn't have got in the car and had to tell so many people about Baxie. I could't have pretended I was okay. Sometimes, it is necessary to be sad and to grieve. I feel a great deal of grief. I saw him last night-I can't sleep in my bed---can barely go into my bedroom. I'm very sad. I saw him, I got up to go pee and there was a dark shape on my floor-I stepped over it-maybe even muttered something to that darker area of space---it was a jacket and shirt that had fallen off my chair. Yet, in my haze, I was sure it was him. I think I might go crazy. Maybe I already am. Seeing things like that-tho Mommy said that she did the same thing-she thought she saw him too.
It took me until 2pm to get out of bed. I showered and then promptly got back into bed. But I got up and went out around 5.
I got to Grimey's around a quarter til 6. There were a lot of people there. Due to my level of suckage I found out just about too late that many of those people were there to hear one of my favorite new singer songwriters Hayes Carll---but like I said, I suck so I missed all but his last song and about half of a song midway thru the set-when I wandered into the bar to use the toilet and thought-hey, for a guy playing a 5:30 set he's pretty good. I believe the phrase to use here is, well---duh.
In between sets I felt I needed to smoke-I felt I needed to smoke before that but I got up the nerve to do that after BR played-not really in between sets-after sets I should say. I went out to the outside smokers' lounge and I was looking for someone to bum off of. There was next to no one out there-I must've looked confused or something pitiful. "I"m looking for someone to bum off of," I said.
"Here, I got one," said Hayes. He opened the pack and flipped it so a cigarette pushed forward from the others in the pack. I took it out. "You need a light too?"
"Yeh, please. I wasn't going to smoke tonight-but then I decided that I would instead." He took his lighter out of his pocket and lit the cigarette for me. "Thanks," I said, too embarassed to tell him how much I dig his music.
'Sure, no problem," he said.
I am a starstruck little fan girl-I admit it.
Right-and I'd missed a free Hayes show---and the store was packed so I would be having to have an attack as a response to the large quantity of human forms packed into the not exactly spacious record store area.
But I forgot to tell you about when I first got there. I parked my car down the street-there was no parking in the lot. I saw Chuck and Shaw-they were standing on the first level-outside of the basement.
"Hey you, come here," said Chuck and he hugged me. "I'm sorry about your baby. That's hard....'
"Thank you...." we talked for a minute.
"It does stop hurting. Not right away but it does and then one day you'll get another dog or another dog will find you...it took me ten years."
I was very touched, not just that he took the time to tell me that he was sorry, that it was the first thing he said as soon as he saw me or because of the fact that due to timing he was the first person to hug me-the only human physical contact I had had at all actually--tho I suspect that was long overdue and I think it's kind of funny that comfort came from Chuck, dunno why---but I was moved to hear other stories and to be reminded that I am not the only person to feel so lost. Brenda also took the time to tell me she was sorry-"You don't have to talk about it, I know it hurts. But I am sorry to hear about Baxter." I was just really touched that there was that much attention to my little life that the loss of my dog would register with so many people (Course, I broadcasted it on the website-but I had to-it was easier than telling people one at a time for months to come--and he deserved a memorial dammit. He was Baxter motherfuckin Black best damn dog ever.)
Mommy was comforting me today-she said "I just remember when he tried to kill (my Dad's dog) Henry, you begged to save his life, you promised you'd t"
"And I did everything I could Mama, I did-didn't I?"
"He had a great life and he was yr best friend and I loved him for taking care of you." this from the woman who was driven to distraction by the old boy day after day that she was in his vicinity. She also said, "Your dad took it, I mean he may've cried when yr grandma died, but I didn't see it, but when those dogs died, he cried for Baxter...like he cried for Higgy" (Mommy always called Henry by his last name-Higgins or Higgy---I guess they had a more formal relationship) I think that what I need to deal with is that he had a wonderful life-a life that he had because of me-I saved him from certain demise because I loved him and promised to take care of him and I did as much as I could. There just was a point when I couldn't do anything anymore. One thing that I will remember-he always walked with me, walked me I think, even when he could barely stand he would walk around the yard with me. Even when I knew he was very sick and he didn't need his rope anymore he would wait for me to put his rope on and walk with me around the yard or down by the woods. When I left, he never did that again...
But, I'm not here to be sad. Or should I say, sadder? Because I know one day another dog will find me, and I will have no choice but to accept that is my dog. Not right away-you see, I was looking today-becase of the loneliness-and every dog I looked at was a black Shepherd/Lab that looked just a bit like B. There is no way I could replace him, yet, I have this need to try...again-when I was talking to Chuck and I said this he got this quick look on his face-it was very quick and I think it meant-"Don't do that." Or maybe I just know that's the fact of the matter and I saw something that wasn't really there because it's easier to attribute these thoughts to someone else rather than accept it's coming from me. Or both---there's the option of both.
Before the show-I need to add this...I had gone inside-but it was just claustrophic, made me a wee bit crazy so I went outside to go downstairs to get a beer. There was free beer-but I was sure I would get there right after the final beer was drank so I just decided to pay for it. I went outside and as soon as I was out of the store I said "Damn! That's crazy tight in there!" I said this to no one. The band was doing an interview about 5 feet away from where I was ranting. Funny me. When I'd walked up those same stairs I'd grabbed a railing and it made a loud and obnoxious clang! sound.
"What trouble are you causing now?" asked Shaw.
"No problems, I didn't break the gate," I said.
"Sure ya didn't.... He hugged me, "Happy New Year." I responded in kind.
"There's a lot of people in there...I'm hoping for something like the Who concert in Cincinnatti..." (he said something about how he would prefer I wasn't crushed-but he also insinuated that if I was and it got them publicity that would be okay too---he must've graduated top of his class in charm school)
I took offense at the idea of using my demise as a publicity stunt, "Well, I didn't know if you were into that."
"Yeh, I'm into being maimed that turns me on."
After the show I was alone-Amy and Gerald had headed home,but I had a Fall's City to drink. Mmm cheap cheap beer. I was walking around the store-being a phantom of a person. I saw Shaw and stopped him, "Look, I'm sorry about Saturday-it was crazy and I didn't see you."
"You didn't see me because I wasn't there. I went home after the show-I had a ride that was leaving."
"Oh."
"Yeah...So..look, I was wondering if--well, if you heard about my Baxter-my dog..."
"No."
"He died, he died on Elvis' birthday" (I remember I saw a show on Elvis' birthday or there abouts once-we talked about Elvis we talked about fried pickles...)
His eyes got big-he looked sad, "He just wanted to be with the King."
"Yeh, I'm sure he's with the King now..."we looked at each other-like we do "so the thing is-the thihg is I don't have any reason to be home and I'm broke and have no right but I'm going to Knoxville cuz I need to-can you put me on the list?"
"Yeh."
"Thanks. I'll be in town in time for the record store in store..."
"Do you know where that is?"
"No clue-but luckily I work for someone that has no idea what I do most of the time I'm there so as long as I do what I"m supposed to do I won't cause much trouble if I also print out a map to the place. I've only been to Knoxville once...it was to see y'all."
"I remember that."
"It was what--5, 7 years ago. A long damn time ago-my Sis was there, you remember?"
"Yeh, that, that was like a whole other century."
Fuck, yeh, that was like a whole other century indeed.
Here I am broke and lonely-but I'm going to go to knoxville tomorrow because for most of my adult life-for some reason I've channelled my sorrow into attending BR549 shows. And I would like to be a bigger person than I am-by which I mean more adult-but I'm not and I need it the shows and the noise and the companionship and the feeling of safety.
I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up that I am willing to run up a credit card for the benefit of a band but music is the healer and the reminder that every little thing is gonna be alright.
don't worry about a thing....every little thing....is gonna be alright...