I need room to think this over-I need a ride out to horseshoe lake

With no one to take care of I find myself becoming strangely fascinated with things that are not fascinating. I contemplated downloading every episode of the office to itunes. For a mere $40/approx. It seems like something to keep me occupied at any rate. I could be more pitiful and obviously depressed but it would require sharp knives and possibly a month's supply of painkillers taken at once.
At school today I was standing waiting to use the toilet...I became fascinated with a row of pencils on a shelf across the room..just stared at them as if they were a podcast of the Sopranos.
"Yr looking 110% today."
"I've been better...I've been a lot worse..."
"Are you sick? Or what?"
"No, her dog..." whispered like I might've forgotten or maybe it's because it's easier to just not say....my dog...
I started to cry. Then I fought and didn't.
S and I did. We just did. I couldn't help it. I am in a lot of pain. I cry at the drop of a hat...no one has actually dropped at hat in my vicinity-yet, still I cry.
The class I am taking is a joke. No, jokes have a use-this class is just absurd. But it's easy credit and I just need to get out of this program. Not that I don't enjoy it-but I need a job and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to live here anymore...here where everything reminds me of my boy. God, I miss that dog so much I don't know what to say....I can barely get out of bed and when I am up and about I feel like such an evil bitch for functioning when he barely can anymore. I don't know how to live without him. I just never thought I would have to.
I am just that stupid.
I am just so fucking stupid.
And lonely.
More calls checking on me today-thanks J.
Tomorrow I have to get up. I don't know how much more I will do-but I will get up. I need money desperately...I need Baxter goddammit.