Hangin' on the telephone

"This is going to sound like a stupid question, but where does one go to buy a toilet seat?"
"A toilet seat...Wal-Mart?"
"They only had $20 ones."
"Why is she buying a toilet seat?"
"Your dad wants to know why you're buying a toilet seat."
"Because the other option is using a toilet without one. That's unpleasant."
"She says the other option is not having one."
"Her landlady should buy it."
"Did you hear that?"
"I don't want to bother her. She's nuts. I don't plan to spend more than $5."
"Going for quality, I see."
"Just keeping with the theme of the rest of the apartment. I finally bought a vacuum cleaner."
"I didn't know you were going to go buy a vacuum today. That's exciting."
"Not the word I'd use. But it's something anyway. Cost me close to a hundred dollars. I'm cheap. That's a lot of money."
"You're not cheap. You're thrifty."
"Call it what you will. I'm at Home Depot. Will they have toilet seats?"
"Go towards the plumbing, then look for the custom baths. Do you see the custom baths?"
"No, I am so out of my element here."
"You could ask someone that's works there. You might get better directions."
"Fine, fine. They're two aisles over. Your directions were close. That's almost eery."
"I knows my way around the HFD."
"Indeed. Ahh, here we go. Valu-without an e. That's my kind of toilet seat cover."
"You're very domestic."
"Don't rub it in. I'm boring as hell. I need to go to a show, get ridiculously drunk, make out with someone I barely know and wake up in a hotel room and not remember how I got there."
"Is that something you used to do on a regular basis?"
"No, of course not. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm becoming old. How did that happen?"
"You bought a washing machine. Bought a washer and joined the establishment."
"I need to rock like I've never rocked before. This is wrong."
"Do you have a show picked out for this?"
"No, but I'll come up with one. It's March. Lots of Irish bands on tour. They're always good for some debauchery."
"Should you be telling me this?"
"You're a big girl. It's not like it comes as a shock."
"Some things are better left unknown. What kind of vacuum did you buy?"
"Bissell upright. It's bright red. Tres chic."
"Bagless?"
"Yeah. That seems to be the norm with cleaners these days. I was going to buy a Hoover, most of those are bag types, but they weren't well reviewed. The Dysons are fantastic but who has $500 to throw down on a vacuum? Not me, that's for sure. I'd almost settled on a $150 Bissell, or was it Eureka-anyway HEPA filter, bagless, settings for bare floor to deep pile carpet but Best Buy had a sale on this very similar model. Not as high rated, but close, and it saved me close to 60 bucks. Cuz, you know, cheap. It's got attachments, anyway. One for corners, another for curtains. Something else, maybe to vacuum the dog. I dunno. The big problem was finding one that was under $200 and rated good for picking up pet hair. I mean, come on, if I didn't have a dog I wouldn't have to have a vacuum. Sheddy beast."
"Wow. You really are boring."
"It's a big purchase."
"Oh. Yeah. And you did your research."
"Informed consumers are good consumers."
"Anything else going on?"
"I'm coming home the week of the 20th."
"For how long?"
"I think 7 days."
"...."
"Not all with you."
"Thank goodness. That sounded like an extended visit."
"Way to make me feel loved."
"Just saying, you might not want to miss that much work."
"Backtracker. If I could fly I would only bother you for two or three days. But, dog. It's always the dog. Isn't it? As much as I love him, he does put the damper on my footlooseness."
"How much would it cost to fly him?"
"$150. It'd only cost me $160. For reals!"
"So you'll be driving."
"Indeed. But don't worry, two of those 6 or 7 days will be spent on the road. Only two will be with you. The rest will be in Pittsburg."
"Does she know that?"
"I haven't talked to her."
"No one does."
"I've been preparing a script, so if I do talk to her I can get everything I need to say out in the 30 seconds she alots me."
"Speaking of short phone conversations, you should go check out so you can go home and run your new vacuum you wild thing, you."
"Shut up."
"I love you."
"Hmph. Love you, too. Bye."
"Bye."