She can't be convicted she's earned her degree

Driving home from work today, with the radio off and the rain sometimes falling I thought of some things.
The first thing I thought about was in relation to something that happened recently. Something I don't want to go into in print...But it taught me a valuable lesson about myself. It seems to me that people, in general, prefer to be half of a whole. A transient, temporary whole or a lifetime commitment whole sometimes. But I have decided most people prefer to be part of a team. I do not. I have claimed, under duress, that some people are just "meant to be alone." It occurs to me now that I do not necessarily think that is my case. I just prefer to be alone-it has nothing to do with fate. I don't want to be someone's "And" (as in Bob AND Carol). I have plenty to do I don't want to be So and So's girlfriend. I have no interest in dating or any of the dance that goes with that scene. Never once have I imagined my wedding as anything more than a joking affair featuring Elvis impersonators and slot machines. I could see getting married as part of a gag gone too far, but never as an actual event. It is my understanding that girls traditionally have images of their weddings. I do not. I honestly can't imagine a situation that would cause me to ponder the concept. There is no one I have met that I find that interesting that I would want to spend my life with him. I suspect-but have no written truth-that my family would be very relieved if I just stated I was gay. But I'm not gay. I fancy boys. I just don't necessarily want to live with one or be forced to share a bed with one. Doesn't mean I don't like them-I just find that mostly I am happier left to my own devices and do not enjoy the pussification of masculinity. A man in a dress and eyeliner can be unbearably sexie-but a man that acts like he needs to go to Walgreen's for pantyliners is anything but attractive. Perhaps it's just the kind of men that find me attractive. That really isn't taking responsibility however. I attract, through my own actions and choices, men to whom I bear no attraction and I am not a strong enough personality to ward off their interests. Such.Is.Life. Perhaps one day I will be together enough (whatever that means) to attract someone whom I find attractive. Until then I am holding onto the belief that I am neither interested in sex or relationships. I'm well off on my own-happy without the battle of interaction. I neither seek nor crave a significant other. I'm a freak. My family worries about me. It'll only get worse as I get older.
The other thought I worked on was the whole school thing. I want to drop out but, as my sister put it "You will never be this close again." I tell myself I don't need to get a degree and be a lady of letters to matter but I wonder. It would make me terribly glad to succeed without that M.A. after my name. It would give me someone to blame if I failed because I didn't have those letters. But-this is the chance I have and I can't really be sure if it's the right thing to do to drop out. The degree doesn't matter and I don't care if I'm in the field but, then again, I'd rather not have to go BACK to school. Unlike the other line of thought that finally makes sense to me, this isn't so easy for me. I have a conflict about school that is currently far deeper and more troubling than the fact that I somehow will have to navigate the next 20-odd years of my life explaining why I'm not involved with anyone.
Men that find me attractive often are also attracted to Janeane Garofalo. Oddly enough I swear I remember she said coupledom was of no interest to her. Currently I consider Amy Sedaris one truly cool person deserving of much respect-I've read she invented her imaginary boyfriend to stop people from asking why she wasn't dating-since she isn't interested in relationship type stuff. Maybe there's some kind of personality type at work here. I love men-LOVE! men-I just don't want to fuck them. I love folkishness-I just don't know if I want to have it forever attached to my name on sheepskin.
Really-more than anything-I love hiding in my apartment and watching TV and having no contact with humanity except the limited amount one gets thru the internet or when people are kind enough to show up at my place and force me to be social (the only way I socialize). That's the way it is.