Graduate Studies is On Notice--In fact--to be fair--I'm On Notice

And if I don't get decent news from them they will join the person who saw fit to tell everyone else in the department that I wouldn't be graduating in Springas Dead to Me. I should've made this person Dead to Me a longtime ago. But I gave the benefit of the doubt and kept On Notice status. Well, too late now, that I heard about my impending non-graduation from a third hand source and then heard from a second hand source a surprised expression when I stated I planned to graduate in 2 months says that I'm already Dead to Her. She couldn't ask ME? She couldn't figure out how to get ahold of ME? No. That would indicate acknowledgement of my existence. Well, you know-I've been out of it the last few months...most of the year...2 months I guess...that would be the year...so it was a bad time to be out of it. Is tere a good time? I know-sorry my life got fucked up and I tried to be positive and stay with my eyes on the prize but I've had a very difficult time dealing lately and it's been nearly impossible for me to complete tasks. I'm depressed--some days more than others some not at all and some I can't function hardly at all. My bad-of course I would fuck up my life. I have successfully fucked up my life repeatedly and survived so other than the family shame of explaining why it isn't worth my parents making a trip here in May to see commencement it could be worse. And-I could still work something out with the University maybe--I've emailed them and my fingers are crossed. I'm not expecting much. Goddammit I will be glad when this stupid graduate degree is over. I'll be thrilled to have it-and I am glad I've done it--but I will be SO MUCH MORE GLADDER to not have to fuck with this stupid ass beaurocratic bullshit anymore. Because-to be honest-I don't like the way I feel like I'm treated by a small amount of the program.
I'm an anger ball today. I don't really mean it anyway but anger at myself and pissedoffedness at how stupid I was to believe what I was told by T about the job I've just lost. I forgot the first rule of the conspiracy minded and put upon:
Trust no one
There I went trusting. What an idiot. I could've had an awful job that I could stand but hated that would've been secure. But no-I took a job that paid better and offered flexible hours and made me not hate life for a little while. What a dumb move. If it doesn't make me miserable I obviously have no right doing it.
Gotta deal in the good old fashioned way--I'm looking very forward to going to Chicago suburbs next week to see B47. If that somehow ends up fucked then I think I will stab my eyes out with spoons just to make the constant nagging discomfort (not unbearable agony or even pain per se--but nagging discomfort and annoyance) of my existence have a definate source.
Some things I just don't need to hear. Ignorance, laziness and lack of any mojo is so much easier to deal with on a constant basis is so muh easier to go thru ones days with than knowledge, concern and lack of mojo.
The dog is very cute tho--and he is good to hug. Like a teddy bear that poos he is.