But I wanted to weekend in Paris!

Somewhere, I presume in this apartment, is all my the things a person might need to prove said person is whom she says she is. My social security card, the title to my car, and my passport are missing presumed having a good time. Of course this is somewhat worrisome. What if I lost them somewhere and there's someone off running up a series of unpaid credit card bills and jetsetting around the world posing as me? That person shouldn't be able to have fun without me. If anyone is going to ruin my credit rating it should be me-goldarnit. I can just imagine some short bespectacled female going through customs in Fiji (do you have to go through customs to get to Fiji? or is it so tropical that you can just land in yr little 2 seater plane and proceed to drinking fresh mango juice and digging for clams?) claiming to be me. My credit score is probably negative 4billion because of this misplaced passport/SS card. It's all very depressing.
This-however isn't:
The Sister graduates on Monday and the Mommy and Daddy are in Scranton, PA in an EconoLodge as we speak (well, as we speak I think they're at dinner) on their way to the sister's Ivy League commencement. We're all terribly proud. I wish I could be there but I have a thing (it's called life--dammit). As I told Daddy, "every time I think of Scranton I have this urge for bananas
"You know the weird thing is I've never even seen a hill in this town."
We crack us up.
Daddy asked what I was up to
"Oh, well, I have a birthday party for my friend who had a crush on me tonight and I seem to have lost my passport and title to the car and my social security card."
"Dumbass," he said.
"What?" Mommy yelled.
"She lost her passport."
"Is she planning to leave the country?"
"No, I am not leaving the country but it seems sorta bad that I can't find it."
"Oh, it's in an album sleeve or marking your place in a book or something like that. You've stashed it somewhere."
"And if I didn't?"
"If you didn't then you fucked up."
"Thanks."
"Just spend the damn money and get new," Mom added.
"I need these things for when I go for my dole meeting to see if I still qualify for benefits."
"Right, and it's genius to take yr PASSPORT to a meeting about receiving welfare..."(snobby society person voice)"I'm terribly sorry, could we hurry this along, the jet is waiting. I'm vacationing in Scotland you know."
"Daddy! Please! People have passports!"
"People on welfare do not have passports. Most people don't have passports. I don't have a passport."
"Well, I do. I'm cultured. Cultured and poor."
"If you ask me they should pay for your food. Your food and your health insurance. You work and your poor you deserve help I'm just pickin on you."
"Hmph." very sulky me right there.
At any rate-Mommy figures she has my birth certificate and an extra SS card and I can get a new title if I have to for not much. But I'm going to clean the house top to bottom this week on my days off just in case I can find it and not have to worry. There goes my trip to the mountains or Memphis or Dollywood or something within a couple hours drive. I have to stay home and clean.
"And that's as it should be," said Daddy.