Dear Abby, Dear Abby

Dear People of Nashville:

I don't like you. You don't like me. Let's cut the chit chat. Find the damn movies you want. Don't come to the desk until you're done looking. I'm only going to willingly make one trip. Any trips after the first will be conducted begrudgingly at best. I have arguments about the cause of Lenny Bruce's downfall to conduct on Internet message boards and your neediness is keeping me from my posts.

If you can't spell Barbie or Dora you shouldn't be on a computer. If you can't pronounce computer, you shouldn't be on a computer. If you don't know how to use a mouse, you shouldn't fucking be on a computer.

No, I will not have a 'blessed day.' You can have all the 'blessed days' you want. My day isn't blessed. I'm above ground and I'm glad for that, but thanks anyway, I'm not going to shout hallelujah with you. I'm busy reading a particularly smutty piece of fanfiction and the only references to G-d I want are those exclaimed in fits of ecstasy by the characters in the story.

I realize we've removed the soap from the men's restroom. One bad apple has to ruin it for eveyrone. This does not mean that we do not want you using soap at home. I highly recommend use of soap, on a regular basis. In large quantities. It's not just for washing your mouth out anymore! Try it on your clothes and your body! You'll be amazed how many more people are willing to be in your general vicinity.

On a related note-it's called deodorant. Look into it.

Thing is, I've got nothing to lose. So, if you're going to be a raging bitch at me-guess what? I'm under no obligation to put up with it. So consider that the next time you want to laugh in my face-because I may not be as imposing as the women you're used to-but you don't know anger until you've met a MidWestern Italian-Irish Woman Scorned. Trust me on this one.

Please don't interrupt me when I'm watching House/Wilson videos on mute. I'm in my happy place and I don't want it sullied by your request for the key to the toilet. Just take the key and leave me alone.

In case there's still any question-I don't like you. I like money so I keep showing up but I'm not going to be your friend and I don't want to hear your life story or even, for that matter-what you think about the weather we're having. Leave me alone and I will continue to ignore you. This will keep the universe in balance.

Sincerely not yours
me