The Truth Files

Stephen Colbert/Daily Show Love. House, Hugh Laurie, Black Adder, BritCom obsessiveness. Eddie Izzard quoting ad naseum. Self loathing. Other people loathing. Anything else I can loathe-fit that in there too. Tales of alcohol and dogs. The occassional night at the bar causing trouble. Mis-treating brain cells...Who needs them? No sex. No drugs-usually. Much rock'n'roll. Just trying to survive in 615. Y'know. The usual.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas from the Family

Home in Ohio. Made the trip without much incident. Was so tired by the time I got to my cousin's I could barely see straight. But I got there and made the last 4 hour drive to be home in time to watch General Hospital.
Other than a brief semi-argument about my refusal to go out with the determined guy from the library everything is going according to plan. And I must take a moment to ask this question (not that anyone will answer of course, but ask I will).
If you'd been making yourself present at the workplace of a person on a near daily basis for a month. Had asked that person out on a minimum of 2 occasions and been turned down (politely). Would you have any thought other than SCORE! if that person were to say:
"I don't enjoy dating but I would not be opposed to spending time with you as a friend. You seem nice and interesting."
Because to me that sounds like: "I don't want to date you now, but in a few weeks or months or sometime I will realize the error of my ways and decide you are my true love."
It's cruel. And I don't want to date anyone. It's not fun. I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member and the sheer fact that a guy is attracted to me puts him right out of the running as someone I'm going to find attractive. There's obviously something seriously wrong with any guy that is attracted to me. I trust my judgement above all else. I have to, I'm all I've got on a minute to minute kind of immediate basis. I wouldn't shag me, that's for sure. Anyone that would want to has serious personality flaws. But how does one say that to ones parents? One doesn't. So I am doomed to that argument for the rest of my natural life. Or until I start adopting stray cats, thus destroying all hope of future couplehood for me.
And apparently I'm a "mean bitch." All because when me and the parents were at the Italian market picking up capicola and salami and aged parmasan cheese and almond nougat candies the guy in front of us in line was paying with multiple gift cards of indetermined amounts and laughing all the while I growled, "Does he actually think that's funny?"
It isn't. The busiest day of shopping at the only Italian market in one of the strongest Italian neighborhoods in NE Ohio and the dumbass is paying with gift cards, some of which only have $3 on them. There was a big ass line behind him. The store was full to the point that movement was barely possible. That kind of behavior is inappopriate. Don't you agree?
Amy Sedaris does, in her book "I Like You" she stated that (paraphrased) "In a deli, it's polite to announce how many items you are planning to purchase." Doesn't the same kind of politeness apply to the check out queue?
Right, but Mum said that I'm a mean bitch and that, if heard, a comment like that would not speed up the average person. Indeed, if someone said something like that about me I'd probably decide to pay my bill entirely in nickels.
That little moment of fun over we went to BJs Wholesale (where the front entry wall had school childrens' drawings with the title "Some Elementary Loves BJs" and I laughed and laughed. Every kind of wrong available, right there, that's it.
Dad bought me the aforementioned Amy Sedaris book because he felt like it. Good man, that Dad o' Mine. It's great and I'm hoping to make one of the recipes, probably one featuring alcohol. Maybe a nice rum punch. There's a lot of those.
Upon return home and the ingestion of many spiced and salty meats and cheeeses and breads and one adult beverage of the malted variety I found myself coming over all tired like. I must admit I'd also taken in a three hour time span 4 pain relievers, as I had cramps and felt like shit. (OTC, for the record, but recommended dose is every 6-8 I believe.) Deciding a quick nap was in order I curled up on one of the chairs and slept for 3 hours.
Now I have to go out tomorrow and shop. Sons of bitches.
That's where it all stands at the moment. Pretty much as expected, I'd say. The sister and her Jew will be along tomorrow in the afternoon sometime. We'll watch It's a Wonderful Life on DVD and switch to NBC to re-watch the last few minutes again. I'll cry like a little bitch.
On Christmas morning we'll get up too early and open presents and start drinking before 11. By 8 on Christmas night we'll all be spent and watching holiday programming and picking at leftover Christmas cookies.


Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

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