Bitter

oh i'm tired-you ever feel like yr head is being crushed in a vice? that's how I feel right now-well not right now because I've had a couple of glasses of wine so the vice is loosened. but that's how work felt. lord i am tired of being at *$ earning no money working my butt off trying to look busy when I should be able to work for about the same money and sit on my arse all day. feck that most jobs that involve arse sitting pay better than what I'm getting for being on my feet all day and pretending to be having fun.
here i am pushing pushing 30 (yes, I meant to type pushing twice-I have over a year and a half after all) and it really does irk me that i have the same sort of job I had at 18. sure at 18 I was frying fish but how different is frying fish from whoring coffee. i use whoring or slut all the time when I talk about what I do-coffee slut siren whore is the allusion that I feel like fuckin Howard is my pimp and I'm just some worthless junkie whore tricking myself out for a fix missed by everyone? or do people think i'm being cute. i'm not being cute-i'm a corporate whore. and WDEM (explanation of nickname available upon request) doesn't make it easier for me to be ok with where I am. When stupid bitch has me scheduled for 5 days and 20 hours what do you think I'll be pleased that every motherfuckin day is being eaten alive with my horrid excuse for a job and at the end of the week I get that warm fuzzy feeling of having earned $120 take home pay? Wow! I can pay my electric and my phone bill this week! My goodness what goodness the lord hath wrought! Thank you Howard-god of coffee and dear departed Orin the lord of the darker brew thank you for your benevolence for truly thou art merciful gods.
Rot in hell assholes. Rot in hell and when I see you there I hope yr wearing yr Village People cowboy gear and that yr getting buggered by the leather man for all eternity-it's fair payment for the buggering you've given so many over the years. Acting all altruistic like you're making our lives better---"Here, my minions, here's some rope-feel free to hang yourself. No-No-I insist. Hang yourself---would you like dental coverage? You know the pay is so much better if you become a shift-there's so many options available-have you considered management? Take the step join us join us one of us one of us gooble gobble gooble gobble one of us one of us."
God, I know I don't have anything to complain about. I'm not hungry anymore-I have a job that includes health insurance and even a 401k and other bullshit that I don't care about because I really am tired of the job. Every time I see that I'm working with WDM my blood pressure spikes. OK I've never actually tested this-but I know I feel ever so tense when she's around. She makes enough money to own a house, drive a nice car, have cable TV and own her own washer and dryer but she can't do her goddam job-what kind of message does that send? I could do her job, I have done her job but I've been passed over my whole life. Sometimes it feels like my whole life it's just been me being passed over time and again. Maybe it's because I'm lazy-there's an exhaustion I fight all the time that leaves me haggard at the end of a day and it's all I can do to sit upright. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel tired all the time. Maybe I just don't deserve a break. Maybe I haven't earned it yet. That's possible. I mean what have I done to deserve a break? Overcome a supposed lifelong mental illness, the stigma of supposed intelligence, been in love with someone who almost notices I'm alive, been raped by someone who swears loudly and violently I *wanted it*, a diet of potatoes and cabbage and water because that's all I could afford, being ragged and worn out, working my ass off just to keep my lights on while everyone else in that stupid program visited around the US on vacation. Why do I need a break? I haven't earned it. Everybody I know deserves a better life than me-I haven't fought anyone for anything I have what do i think thinking there's some fairness in this world. Stupid stupdid stupid.

"All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my cousins. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my uncles. But I ain't never thought I had to fight my own house."