Sunday Bloody Sunday

Since I recently realized I possibly don't exist utside of some writer's mind I've decided that my next ambitious project (since I'm known for those) should be to write, direct and star in (with a large and impressive ensemble cast and a bitchin' soundtrack that includes songs written and performed by people that aren't known for their musical talent-cuz that's artsy) a movie about East Nashville and the people that I would encounter on a regular basis. If I was actually here. Which there's no proof that I am. Or even, if you're going to get technical that East Nashville exists. Maybe Nashville ends at the river and there is no neighborhood across the bridges. As there aren't any bridges.
Then again, maybe I've been watching too many independent films of late.
Furthermore, if I'm a character in a movie then someone would've randomly stopped by my apartment this morning when I was fighting with my washing machine.
The scene would've gone like this:

SCENE: Sunday morning, Our Heroine (OH) is standing in the kitchen sorting the week's worth of pre-approved Credit Card offers. She is using the washing machine, which is running, as a table. Her computer is plugged into speakers and an eclectic and varied series of tunes play throughout the scene. Current music: Elvis Costello-Kinder Murder. OH shifts her weight from her right leg to her left and notices the rug in front of the washer is wet.

OH: Oh for fuck's sake. She gets quickly stops the washer and turns around and pulls the plug out of the wall. Muttering a string of curse words that would cause the HBO censors to take note she stomps through the apartment and comes back into the living room carrying an armfull of towels. The next several minutes are taken up with mopping activities. She pushes the washer, which is full, away from the wall. Begins fighting with the hoses. Fucking heavy thing. Drain hose, tight. Hot water hose, good. Cold water. So, the fuck anyway? Current song on the radio: Harry Chapin-Dreams Go By.

CUT TO: Bedroom. OH is on the phone with DAD.
OH: I have to get the water out? How do you propose I do that? There's at least 4 gallons of water in there.
DAD: (who hasn't suddenly traveled 2 states over) You would rather it was on your floor?
OH: Well, no...
DAD: A wise man once said, "If you work real hard, this job can be easy." Enjoy.

RETURN TO: Living room/kitchen. OH is dipping water out of the washing machine using a 2 quart pitcher. Sexx Laws by Beck plays in the background. There is a pile of wet towels and rugs in the corner of the kitchen. The scene continues with wringing out of towels in the sink and an eventual switch to a cup to dip out the water in the bottom of the washer. Hair falls in eyes, glasses are covered in splashes of water, OH is a ridiculous mess of a person. Waterloo by ABBA plays. There is a knock at the door. Enter-Hot Guy That Just Happens to Have a Full Collection of Tools on Hand. Hot Guy (or HG) for short will be played by John Simm who has the added bonus of being well known in England but not huge in the States. HG knocks at the door and OH reacts in the logical fashion.

HG: Saw your truck, thought I'd stop. (She opens the door to let him in. He looks at her and registers that she's failing to have a lot of fun)
OH: Bleeding great. The fucking washers fucked. Leaking everywhere, I'm out of towels. Best time ever being had here.
HG: If we can get the water out of there, I've got my toolbox. Could try to fix it. If you want.
OH: Knock yourself out.
Son House: Death Letter Blues plays

TIME PASSES in a mini montage. The washer is emptied. The towels are hung out on the line to dry. HG doesn't hang clothes, he walks the dog around the yard. Sodas are ingested. The washer is dismantled.
HG: (On the floor, behind the machine. OH is leaning against the front. The DOG is chewing on a rawhide.) There, that's it. A lose hose. We need a clamp. Quick trip to the hardware store and it'll be fixed.
OH: You're a hero. Come on, let's go down to the store. We can make a stop at the bar. It's 2 for 1 day.
HG: A cunning plan if ever I heard one.

CUT TO: 3 Crow (using real locations is essential) Here we would meet up with several people on various levels of fame and have witty conversations for the rest of the day. Suddenly everyone takes up smoking and drinking anarchronistic mixed beverages like Brandy Alexanders and Old Fashioneds. Everyone is trendy but appoachable. Since this is East Nashville, several people have guitars with them, they drift to the back deck and play random bits of songs. The movie breaks off into 32 Short Films About Springfield territory and the other characters that we met at the bar are explored.
Some of the people we would meet include:
Todd Snider plays any role he wants to-as he is Todd.
Peter Cooper and Tommy Womack and Will Kimbrough are the musicians playing on the deck.
Other people for whom I shall write roles:
The Sister (a role wherein she plays on normal and not at all wacky or on the edge of crazytown individual-I want to cast her against type)
Stephen Fry as a television announcer
John Lithgow
Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello
Chuck Klosterman
Robert Sean Leonard
(why not Hugh Laurie? well, it's a bit of stunt casting isn't it? should I bring in Emma Thompson, too? I mean, come on! Oh, well, it's my movie that could never be produced so what the hell)
Hugh Laurie (on telly doing an interview-as himself)
Jim Krasinski
Tony Geary

That movie would wear all sorts of rock

Oh-but I should say what actually happened.

I got the water out, tried to unscrew the back of the machine-failed. Tried my cordless drill-it needed charged. So I went down the pub and had 2 Bloody Marys and a pint of Hefewiezen. Sent Mik some files that may or may not interest her-what do I know? Watched a lot of YouTube videos-esp Martin Short on Colbert as it was the funniest interview of all time. Color Me Barbra! ZOMG! The gay! When I got home I called my folks (because that's what a person that has been drinking as is attempting to play with power tools would logically do first.) Realized the drill wasn't working and has gone kaput. Decided not to even bothering trying to fix the damn thing and probably I can't even fix it anyway since it's ancient and y'know arse over tits and all that.