as we stand upon the ledges of our lives

it's either sadness or euphoria.
I do love Billy Joel.
As we know.
And I also love Stephen Colbert.
Today I got word that on Aug 10, 2006--the day before my parents' 33 wedding anniversary--I will be seeing The Colbert Report. You would think, that due to the fact that I love Stephen in a way that is probably unhealthy, I would be immune to any bad news after hearing that. But then I got the bill from the hospital.
Yeah-so that bill I got was for the doctor.
The hospital bill is twice that.
For a total of--about 2 grand.
It's okay.
I keep telling myself it's okay. I'll pay somehow, however long it takes. It will get paid. Maybe soon, maybe in a long long time.I deserve to live. Whatever it costs.
But when I got the bill I very quietly went into my room and stripped out of my work clothes. For a minute I stood there, looking at the picture of Blue Dog that always reminds me of Baxter. My legs gave out. I fell to the ground, and screamed. I. Just. Screamed. And screamed. I wanted so much to put my fist through the wall or a knife to my arm I wanted to feel pain like I imagined would be appropriate for a $2000 doctor bill. I couldn't imagine any kind of pain I could inflict that would be anything but new medical bill inducing. That's how it felt. For a few brief moments, I hurt so bad I wanted to slice myself open.
My wailing called Coupland into the room. He pushed his head under my arm and whined. I couldn't hurt myself. He needs me.
If that's what it takes-then fuck. Thank God for someone who NEEDS me so much RIGHT NOW. The way I feel right now-and I know, I do, it'll pass. It'll get better, but right now I am so glad I'm needed. If I wasn't I don't know if I'd be coping (ha) as well as I am.
That's kind of sad. I don't think I know a number as high as the number of times Baxter just being there saved me from hurting myself-bad. I think they're angels, dogs. I do.
But, I am working.
Fairly steady.
Things can't stay like they've been for the last two years. I'm going to work and make money. My bills will get caught up someday soon. And I'm going to New York to see Stephen Colbert in 2 months.
Ain't it something.